10 Reasons Why Women Dig College Douchebags

I’m here to talk about everyone’s favorite topic: College women. Wait, that’s not what I meant.

I’m talking about college women and why they like jerks, or to put it much less politely and a little bit obnoxiously, douchebags. (I didn’t even know this term was still used, but apparently, it is, so I’m going with it.)

That’s right, this entire article is about why college-aged women like men who suck, from my point of view. So get ready!

What is a Douchebag?

Wait, are you really asking me this question? Yes, you are, because you are a man. Well, take a look at this website and then come back and read the rest of this article. I’m not explaining what an actual douche bag is here, but I will explain what the commonly-used slang term “douchebag’ means, if you insist.

Urban dictionary defines a douchebag as: “A narcissistic man who dates a woman, makes her fall for him by lavishing her with gifts … making her believe he loves her, her children, family and friends but all the while texting another woman inappropriate pictures, from his girlfriend’s house no doubt, and fantasies to entice sexual encounters with him. This man’s life is a lie.”

I agree with most of this, but really, I would just say “a two-timing piece of @#$%.” You know the type — all your ex-girlfriends are probably with douchebags right now.

I agree with most of this, but really, I would just say “a two-timing piece of @#$%.” You know the type — all your ex-girlfriends are probably with douchebags right now. In case you wanted to know, “douchebag” is in the Oxford Dictionary, and is defined as “an obnoxious or contemptible person, typically a man.” Okay, moving on.

Now that you know what a “DB” is, here are the 10 reasons why women dig college douchebags:

10. College Women Don’t Know Any Better.

Life is about experience. Whether a woman dated five men or one man in high school, it’s not like she came even close to dating the approximately 3.8 billion men who are currently on the planet. That means, of course, that she probably doesn’t yet know which men are douchebags. So cut her a break, we all make mistakes, and the opposite sex is a puzzler.

9. College Women Are Focused On Their Studies And Future Career.

Yes, immature little boys, this is a reality for many college women. They just don’t care that much about you. You may be merely an accessory while they figure out what they really want, or they may just be more concerned with getting an “A” in chemistry, a graduate degree in web development, or the phone number of that other studious (and hot) woman in their chemistry classes. You just never know, do you?

8. Douchebags Can Be Alluring.

That’s right, I said alluring — and while this might make you think of the latest pic on your Instagram feed, I’m talking about pure, unadulterated attraction here. If you don’t have this there is literally nothing you can do about it. But fear not, because attraction grows with age and women tend to stop liking douchebags as time goes on. Most of them, that is. Some of them just seem to keep on dating them, for their whole lives. Even I don’t know what’s up with that.

I’m not suggesting you get all “knight in shining armor” about it, but lending an ear to her problems and suggesting she kick that douchebag to the curb immediately can go a long way toward a first successful date.

7. Douchebags Are Controlling A$$holes.

This means that, while your ideal college woman may be dating a douchebag, she doesn’t actually want to be dating him. She’s looking for absolutely any out she can get — and you just might be it! I know, not that flattering, but you also might be just the non-douchebag she’s looking for, saving her in the nick of time from the worst relationship of her life. I’m not suggesting you get all “knight in shining armor” about it, but lending an ear to her problems and suggesting she kick that douchebag to the curb immediately can go a long way toward a first successful date.

6. Sometimes Douchebags Have A Lot Of Money.

You know this type and they parade around the campus in their Giorgio Armanis (yes they wear that on campus on a regular basis), drive around in their MBs or Maserattis, and ahem, proudly display their stacks of cash. It’s about flaunting that high-end lifestyle. In many situations, the douchebag in question may have something the college girl wants, in which case she is also a douchebag, and you don’t want to date her anyhow.

5. Douchebags Are Manipulative Slime.

I would like to reiterate that many women don’t CHOOSE to date a douchebag, but that they are approached by douchebags at places like dance clubs, chemistry class, or stumbling home drunk at night from a party (this would be your chance to be a complete non-douchebag). In fact, if you would like to make sure you aren’t mistaken for a douchebag (assuming you actually aren’t), I suggest that you don’t pick up on women in any of these places. Instead, pick up on a woman at a raucous house party where you have friends to prove you are not a douchebag, in the quad while vaping between classes, after a sweaty yoga session, or in another respectable place like the vegetable aisle at the local Whole Foods. College women are not as dumb as you think they are.

4. Douchebags Are Mysterious.

You may have heard this one before, and I’d say it’s true, but not for the reasons you think. For instance, some college women (read: freshman who left their parents’ houses about 10 days ago) think mysterious men are really Disney princes in disguise, waiting to sweep them off their feet with The Worst Song You’ve Heard This Year and whatever else they most think they want in their lives. In truth, as you and I both know, douchebags are only mysterious because A. There is another college woman right across the room who he also screwed over that he’s trying to avoid, B. they have a rap sheet a mile long and are constantly keeping an eye out for the cops, or C. they’ve already been thrown out of numerous college sorority parties this year. In the case of douchebags, “mysterious” actually means “homicidal,” “criminal,” “predatory,” or just plain “a$$hole.”

While a good man would help you out when you’re down or in a tight spot, a douchebag would make sure he appeared just at the right moment to feign helping you out at just the right moment.

3. Douchebags Make Themselves Available When Others Aren’t.

While a good man would help you out when you’re down or in a tight spot, a douchebag would make sure he appeared just at the right moment to feign helping you out at just the right moment. I know, I know, it’s all very confusing, especially when you’re intoxicated, but a smart and savvy college women will be able to tell the difference.

2. Douchebags Shine Like Gold To College Women.

Yes, they shine like gold to the sucker who has fallen for them, but look like a penny recently dug out of a pile of human #$%^ to the college woman’s best friends and other potential, non-douchebag men like you. Many of the college woman’s friends may even claim to smell human @#$% on the douchebag’s breath whenever he speaks. While this may not be literally true, you know what I mean.

1. Douchebags Abound On College Campuses.

Some things just go together — molly and Marshmello, Literature class and hot women, yoga pants and salons, and of course douchebags and college women. I’m not telling you to give up, but you might do well to wait until at least sophomore year to try and date that hot woman who is always hanging around with douchebaggery. Like anything good, an organic and real relationship is going to be better than one you have to pursue with every ounce of your being while pretending you are someone else entirely.

Well, even I’m kind of disheartened by this article, and while I’ve dated my share of college (or in my case, high school dropout) douchebags, it does get better. Men and women know that everyone has to date their share of douchebags before they graduate on to real men and women who will rock their worlds and eventually prevent them from vacationing more than once a year.

So keep your head up, keep your eye on that amazing college woman from afar (I don’t mean stalking here), and wait for the perfect time to make your move. If she’s goals AF, she will ditch that douchebag she’s with and head for your section of campus.